Pages From My Heart

   “I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. Duke Ellington”

February 2011

I have come to understand many things about myself and my nature through examining closely the patterns in my life. Most of my major revelations have come after a tsunami like emotional crisis, in which I end up a weeping pile on my bed, only to realize ‘yet again’ the way in which I am treating myself needs to change, the way in which I look at myself in relationship to life, my creativity, my sense of self-worth needs to change.

Most crisis involve another significant other (funny how that happens) my interaction with this person becomes my catalyst to open up more fully. It could also be a situation, a comment, a moment, or even in some cases a book, that triggers my coming face to face with the feelings that need to be expressed, the wounds from my past that need further investigation and healing. Surfacing ‘yet again’ they teach me another way of being and so I surrender to what is happening.

I have always been a huge advocate of self inquiry, hence the literally hundreds of books that fill my walls, cupboards and floors, lining my home along with my beloved crystals. I collect them, hoping and praying for some new insight to pour into me to help me understand why my life, at times feels so frustrating, why, at times I find it so hard to express the inexplicable feelings that race through me just dying to be birthed, to be heard, to be expressed. 

I love my books, although I can honestly say there have been moments where I have contemplated piling them up and burning them all, frustrated at some of the deeply puzzling messages and labyrinth like tales that seem to take me further into confusion about where to go and what to do next. I can see now that mostly my frustration is born of not knowing, and sometimes the ‘not knowing’ is the perfect place for me to be; it is here in the unknown, with no out side support, that I must turn to the unwritten book that resides within my heart to seek the answers only it knows to express. While all outside sources of information serve to enhance my understanding of life, it is in the living of my life and ‘my experiences’ that serve to refine me, to teach me what it is I am here to learn.  

How I feel about myself and my life has changed pretty dramatically. I used to be informed very heavily by the out side world, and how I did or ‘did not’ not seem to fit into it.  Growing up my sense of self worth always seemed to hinge on two things how much money I had and whether people liked me.

Growing up in a working class home where money was often very scarce, I learnt that money meant survival, money paid the bills, money purchased the food and money if there was any left over allowed us to do something fun together as a family. Money was such a source of anxiety for us at times that it became clear to me, very early on in life, that there would be no ‘real time’ to devote to excelling in the arts, that the arts would become my hobbies, something I would do after I finished my homework. As I watched both of my parents let their secret passions fall by the way side, and in most cases give up on them all together to focus on the real job at hand, taking care of the family, I decided that I should probably do the same.

It is easy to see why money became so important to me, why at the age of twelve I took a job on weekends washing dishes to make money and why it would also become the source of so much anxiety in my life. If I had money I felt extremely safe and confident in myself, and if I didn’t I felt extremely vulnerable and insecure.  How much love I felt from others also began to inform how secure I would feel about myself at any given moment, if I felt loved I felt accepted, and if I felt accepted I felt safe.

I went to a handful of different schools as a kid growing up in Australia and the transition of moving from town to town always seemed to mirror the very deep internal changes that were occurring in my family structure.  The one thing that remained consistent and very important to me as I grew up, was a sense of belonging and a feeling of connection. Even now as I pass through the many cities I would come to live in as as a young woman-finding-my-way-in-the-world, it dawns on me how it is still something of great significance to me. 

Only recently have I become aware of how intoxicating, time consuming and self-destructive chasing Love and money really is. It makes me do, say, think and feel the most unconscious things towards myself and others. Numbed from my real feelings, this seeking literally strangles the experience of freedom in every area of my life.

Most recently I have stumbled upon a book, which many years ago gave me the confidence to continue seeking out the creative passions that ignited raging fires in my heart as a little girl. Although I did not finish this 12 week creative self-study back then, I now find myself half way through it this second time around and I have to say it is teaching me so much; it has literally become my best friend. With daily journaling, reading and exercises, I find its pages are softly whispering to me, encouraging me, inspiring me to keep feeling, keep expressing to keep creating.

The chapter I have found most interesting thus far discusses the importance of our anger, being able to identify it, own it, feel it, and learn how to express it. Julia Cameron the books author has some very interesting ideas about how to channel our anger into art, the art of living our lives more consciously. I don’t know about you, but I have grown up with this notion that anger is “a bad thing” something I must “learn to control, not to express” something to be “dealt with”, “stuffed in” and “overcome!!!”.

The words that I will end this post with are like music to my ears and I feel a strong softening on the inside, even as I read them again for the 3rd or 4th time. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do and that something in your own being softens, as you come to understand the power contained within the medicine of your own anger.

I am starting to see that my anger when listened to, will always point me home to the creative, nurturing self. Why? Because my anger never lies. When I am angry, it means that somewhere in my life I have given up on watering the seeds of something that is of major importance to me. Some where I have allowed other petty little things to get in the way of what it is I love, in most cases my anger points to my inability to love myself, to care for myself, or to acknowledge that it is time to fill the well.

So without further a do….

“The Artists Way A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity” by Julia Cameron

“Week 3: Recovering a Sense of Power.

ANGER IS FUEL. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it.

Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. It lets us see where we’ve been and lets us know when we haven’t liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.

Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.

‘Blast him! I could make a better film than that!’ (This anger says: you want to make movies. You need to learn how.)…………..

‘That’s my strategy he’s using. This is incredible! I’ve been ripped off! I knew I should have pulled that material together and copyrighted it.’ (This anger says: it’s time to take your own ideas seriously enough to treat them well.)

When we feel anger, we are often very angry that we feel anger. ‘Damn anger!! It tells us we can’t get away with our old life any longer. It tells us that old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and birthing hurts. The hurt makes us angry.

Anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into our new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full…….

Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests.

Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation.”

~L

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