I allow myself to linger here
in the unknown
in the depth
in the pleasure
in the pain, waiting.
When I trust
when I breathe
when I feel all that I feel
something inside of me SWELLS
it’s like the whole Universe is expanding to receive these feelings.
Waves of intense emotions crash over me
and I’m left wondering if others are feeling this, this inexplicable connection.
When I take time to explore my intuition and feelings
on paper, in words, through movement and music
something deep within me sighs and shifts.
When I don’t, I stumble around trying to be someone else
somewhere else
other than where I am right now.
My feelings are ‘the great teacher’
my feelings show me where I am holding on
where I need to soften, how to let go.
The more I step into feeling
The more in sync I am with life.
~L
November 2011
Picture Source: unknown
I see you Sister
Even clearer
Than you see yourself sometimes.
You are strong
Deep
Devoted
Courageous
Wise beyond your years
Passionate
Peaceful
Present.
Your presence liberates me
Your heart whispering-
Your truth telling
Makes-me-feel-closer-to-you
Soothes this dull ache in me.
I have heard that
Deep within the cavern of your body
Exists an ancient Power
A mystical
Mothering
Regenerative
Power
A resplendent
Poetic
Patient
Power
A healing
Transcendent
Transformational
POWER.
I’ve also heard
That, that kind of Power could nourish
All kinds of needs on this planet
Light up the entire sky
Power up my Prius
Make men weak in the knees
Make women weak in the knees
And put smiles
On the faces of
Young children.
I ENCOURAGE YOU!
Embrace your breath
Embrace your feelings, and harness your power!
Harnessing your power is about getting turned on, tuning in, and listening.
By showering your love, your light
your heart’s medicine, its beauty wisdom upon any situation
You create change
Enormous
Unrelenting
Unimaginable
CHANGE.
In fact
Your Power unleashed makes
The health food industry
Nervous
Your self acceptance and self love makes
The diet industry
Nervous
Your love of the planet, of local, organic food makes
Monsanto
Nervous
Your conscious awareness makes
The Media
Wall street
And even Terrorists
Nervous
FYI
Your power unleashed could even make the President
NERVOUS
Imagine that!!!!!!!!
I know how hard it can be sometimes
To go inside
To touch this power.
I know you weren’t really shown how to
“Live in there”
“Trust what’s in there”
“Breathe and pause and rest in there.”
I know it can sometimes feel
Cold
Foreign
Wrong
Uncomfortable
Frustrating and-down-right-frightening.
It’s hard for me too
And even so, I know for sure
That when we turn to our breath, to our feelings, to our power
The Universe expands, and the warmth of a thousand suns blazes back at us!
Imagine what we could do with that kind of energy?????
~L
July 2011
Picture source: re blogged via: Chloe Crespi via: flickrsommerfuetze
I touch my deepest source of power when I embrace the source of my deepest strength.
This strength is:
my ability to create and breathe life into things
my ability to continue opening, especially when I want to close
my willingness to be vulnerable, to be real, and let others in
my willingness to stand for my needs
for what I love, and trust, and know in my heart.
What pleases me:
knowing my needs
touching these needs
fulfilling these needs
seeing others
touching others
laughing
smiling
crying it out into life
saying what needs to be said
pouring it onto the page
children
magic
holidays
the sun on my skin
riding in the rain
flowers bursting with scent
reading in bed all cozy and warm
hot tea
my husbands tender touch
crystals, incense and feathers
a room full of smokey, sage plumes
internal music making its way out into the ethers
passion and playfulness.
I call on my strength and passion to create, and what I create changes
my hearts wisdom shines onto ideas and ideals that keep me in the dark
No longer interested in changing my physical appearance
to satisfy the status quo, I am learning to love myself.
I am getting in touch with my breath, my belly, my heart, my feelings.
“I am present and paying attention to you”
I listen for what you have to say
I am not preparing my response to your your questions ahead of time
while you are still talking.
I ALLOW MY VULNERABILITY AND PASSION OUT.
I ALLOW OTHERS TO SEE INSIDE.
I STAND TALL.
I BREATHE DEEP.
I RELAX.
I FEEL MY WAY INTO THINGS
from this place I know what my heart wants from life
and I find myself doing what needs to be done, in order to actualize it.
I hold the broken pieces and express what’s in my heart.
MY HONESTY leads me home.
I AM A UNIQUE CREATURE.
MY LIFE IS FOR THE PURPOSE OF ENJOYMENT
GROWTH AND EXPLORATION.
I AM A POWERFUL WOMAN.
~L
June 2011
Picture source: unknown
I WAITED FOR YOU
I have yearned for you my whole life
Wanting to know your thoughts
I feel your feelings as I feel my own Locked inside, and hidden
As a young girl I would wait for you
Month after month anticipating your arrival
A lot of the time you never came
My mother’s tears reflected my own
And inside my heart something started to die
Like a flower thirsting for a drink
My lips are parched and you stand there holding the watering can
I needed something my mother could never give
A fatherly smile The touch of your hand on my little head
Your encouraging voice It never came
Well it did In dribs and drabs
Where were you?
No really where were you?
You never came home I waited for you..
I waited for you!!!
There’s a Hole in my heart that I’m trying to fill
I am strong
But this dull ache keeps me awake and you are nowhere to be seen
~L
May 2011
Picture source: Unknown
WATERING THE FLOWERS
There is an awareness growing inside,
within the walls of this skin
This awareness is blossoming
And something so nourishing & life affirming
is flourishing inside of me.
The more I take the time to get quiet, to journal, to feel my feelings
The more I understand that my life isn’t just ‘happening to me’
It is a byproduct of the choices I make and how I chose to look at my life.
Wayne Dyer once said, “When you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change.”
I am starting to know this now.
Not as some profound, random statement I throw around so people will think I have some sort of spiritual depth, but because I am starting to touch this spiritual depth.
Everyday I linger, longer in the oasis within
In and out I go, in and out
in my head, into my heart, in my head, back into my heart,
and so the dance continues day in, day out.
I am finding it easier to see why life always felt like a constant struggle
And why now that I don’t have to struggle, I feel like I need to keep in the struggle
We are taught so many things as we grow
We are taught how to eat, what to eat,
how to think, what to think,
we are taught about life.
Our upbringing and all of our experiences serve to shape and mold us.
The great awakening happens when we start to see ourselves beyond this conditioning
Our life experiences serve to tear holes in the veil,
between our Self and our Source
It is like we’ve been wearing different colored shades, our whole life!
I look through mine and see pink
You look through yours and see blue
Someone else looks through theirs and sees green.
What the process of remembering, of re-cognising our true nature is all about,
Is first understanding that what we see, think, hear, and feel has up till this point been heavily colored, shaped, sculpted and influenced:
by our parents,
by religion,
by society,
by various organizations and large corporations
and what they deemed acceptable, just and right!
If we are to set ourselves free from the bondage of such conditioning
We have to start to see the impact of this conditioning!
How much it costs us as a whole!!!!!!!
We need to depend less on any external source of knowledge
and tune into the deep, vast internal wisdom of our inner knowing, of our hearts.
We give up so much of our freedom trying to be “right” “perfect” “the best” “special”
This kind of thinking separates us, it’s them over their and us over here
not that we are separate, or different, that is part of the illusion
Inevitably the realization that we are all one,
all connected,
all at the fundamental level related comes to us.
It may come to us now; it may come to us on our deathbed.
“The idea of universal consciousness is no ethereal New Age concept. It’s hard-core scientific reality and harnessing it has the potential to transform our world. This is the underlying discovery of Noetic Science.” *
I know that the more I understand myself, my feelings, my past, my thoughts
and the impact they have on my experience of life, of others, of this planet I inhabit
The more I understand the very nature of my life itself and the easier it becomes for me to step outside of the box I’ve learnt to live inside of
This box that I built, that I though would keep me so safe,
I see that true security is not wanting to feel secure at all but knowing that I am apart of a larger divine plan,
that I AM DOING MY BEST,
that MY LIFE IS WHATEVER I MAKE OF IT,
that I MATTER,
that MY LIFE is the road I am traveling
that Self-realization is not a destination
it IS the road I am walking down.
Self-realization is me waking up to the fact that I never was separate, and I never will be separate from that great energy that moves my heart, and breathes my breath
that I and you and the great Source are one,
that me taking care of myself, is me taking care of the collective
that me learning to feel safe and open my heart creates a shift in the lives of those around me, in the lives of others I’ve not even met. My love heals the holes in the fabric of this collective consciousness that we are all apart of.
The more I come to know, Love, Accept and embrace myself for the life I have lived,
for the life I am living, for all the difficulties I have over come, the closer I am to understanding the awesome power contained within.
The power to accept, to forgive, to learn, to change, to grow.
I am so grateful for this life
for all who inhabit it
for the incredible amount of support and guidance, healing and intuition I receive from the universe, my guides and teachers, friends, from Great Source.
The God I know and love is everywhere, and in all things, in all beings,
in different stages of growth and expansion.
The God I know and trust is multifaceted, and is always willing to give me what I need in order to grow, in order to change,
in order to be all I have come here to become and to experience
The infinite universe is so closely connected to my heart
because the seed of it is contained within.
When I experience love, it radiates out into the universe
When I experience peace, it radiates out into the universe
God tells me that my thoughts are powerful,
this message arises within me like a friend whispering into my ear.
I am told that within each thought is a tiny seed,
that when watered this seed becomes either a weed or a flower
I have a garden full of both
I write because it helps me to locate the weeds
I write because it helps me to see the best possible way to remove those weeds
I write because it teaches me how to water the flowers
~L
April 2011
Picture source: unknown
*Quote from Dan Brown’s ‘The Lost Symbol”
Someone once told me that there was a path to peace
I searched for years for this path
looking this way and that
asking questions
seeking answers
following others
getting caught up in the wild wilderness of struggle
separation
conflict
glamor
anxiety
drama
fear
and worry.
All the while
still wanting
still waiting
for something
for someone
to bring me the peace I desired.
I thought that if i looked hard enough I would find it
If my life was free of the above circumstances I would have it
touch it
taste it.
I searched everywhere
Except the one place it could be found,
Within.
When it dawned on me that Peace is a state of being not an exclusive travel destination,
that Peace is something I experience, then each and every breath became an opportunity, an opportunity to understand the very nature of Peace, the energy behind the breath that breathes me; this mysterious energy that animates everything.
I have discovered ways of dwelling more frequently in this inner space
by watching myself, my breath, my thoughts, my reactions, my emotions
and consciously allowing myself to relax into the moment, only then do I start to understand that I choose peace.
I chose it! Each and every time I seek refuge in my heart.
“There is no path to peace
peace is the path”
Peace is the priceless currency that I deposit into each and every moment of my life
not because I have to
not because I need to
because I choose to
I am honored to be alive
I am honored to be sharing this life with you
to be apart of something powerful happening
the transformation of the consciousness on this planet we call home.
~L
March 2011
Picture source: Chloe Crespi Photography
“I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. Duke Ellington”
I have come to understand many things about myself and my nature through examining closely the patterns in my life. Most of my major revelations have come after a tsunami like emotional crisis, in which I end up a weeping pile on my bed, only to realize ‘yet again’ the way in which I am treating myself needs to change, the way in which I look at myself in relationship to life, my creativity, my sense of self-worth needs to change.
Most crisis involve another significant other (funny how that happens) my interaction with this person becomes my catalyst to open up more fully. It could also be a situation, a comment, a moment, or even in some cases a book, that triggers my coming face to face with the feelings that need to be expressed, the wounds from my past that need further investigation and healing. Surfacing ‘yet again’ they teach me another way of being and so I surrender to what is happening.
I have always been a huge advocate of self inquiry, hence the literally hundreds of books that fill my walls, cupboards and floors, lining my home along with my beloved crystals. I collect them, hoping and praying for some new insight to pour into me to help me understand why my life, at times feels so frustrating, why, at times I find it so hard to express the inexplicable feelings that race through me dying to be birthed, to be heard, to be expressed.
I love my books, although I can honestly say there have been moments where I have contemplated piling them up and burning them all, frustrated at some of the deeply puzzling messages and labyrinth like tales that seem to take me further into confusion about where to go and what to do next. I can see now that mostly my frustration is born of not knowing, and sometimes the ‘not knowing’ is the perfect place for me to be; it is here in the unknown, with no out side support, that I must turn to the unwritten book that resides within my heart to seek the answers only it knows to express. While all outside sources of information serve to enhance my understanding of life, it is in the living of my life and ‘my experiences’ that serve to refine me, to teach me what it is I am here to learn.
How I feel about myself and my life has changed pretty dramatically. I used to be informed very heavily by the out side world, and how I did or ‘did not’ not seem to fit into it. Growing up my sense of self worth always seemed to hinge on two things how much money I had and whether people liked me.
Growing up in a working class home where money was often very scarce, I learnt that money meant survival, money paid the bills, money purchased the food and money if there was any left over allowed us to do something fun together as a family. Money was such a source of anxiety for us at times that it became clear to me, very early on in life, that there would be no ‘real time’ to devote to excelling in the arts, that the arts would become my hobbies, something I would do after I finished my homework. As I watched both of my parents let their secret passions fall by the way side, and in most cases give up on them all together to focus on the real job at hand, taking care of the family, I decided that I should probably do the same.
It is easy to see why money became so important to me, why at the age of twelve I took a job on weekends washing dishes to make money and why it would also become the source of so much anxiety in my life. If I had money I felt extremely safe and confident in myself, and if I didn’t I felt extremely vulnerable and insecure. How much love I felt from others also began to inform how secure I would feel about myself at any given moment, if I felt loved I felt accepted, and if I felt accepted I felt safe.
I went to a handful of different schools as a kid growing up in Australia and the transition of moving from town to town always seemed to mirror the very deep internal changes that were occurring in my family structure. The one thing that remained consistent and very important to me as I grew up, was a sense of belonging and a feeling of connection. Even now as I pass through the many cities I would come to live in as as a young woman-finding-my-way-in-the-world, it dawns on me how it is still something of great significance to me.
Only recently have I become aware of how intoxicating, time consuming and self-destructive chasing Love and money really is. It makes me do, say, think and feel the most unconscious things towards myself and others. Numbed from my real feelings, this seeking literally strangles the experience of freedom in every area of my life.
Most recently I have stumbled upon a book, which many years ago gave me the confidence to continue seeking out the creative passions that ignited raging fires in my heart as a little girl. Although I did not finish this 12 week creative self-study back then, I now find myself half way through it this second time around and I have to say it is teaching me so much; it has literally become my best friend. With daily journaling, reading and exercises, I find its pages are softly whispering to me, encouraging me, inspiring me to keep feeling, keep expressing to keep creating.
The chapter I have found most interesting thus far discusses the importance of our anger, being able to identify it, own it, feel it, and learn how to express it. Julia Cameron the books author has some very interesting ideas about how to channel our anger into art, the art of living our lives more consciously. I don’t know about you, but I have grown up with this notion that anger is “a bad thing” something I must “learn to control, not to express” something to be “dealt with”, “stuffed in” and “overcome!!!”.
The words that I will end this post with are like music to my ears and I feel a strong softening on the inside, even as I read them again for the 3rd or 4th time. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do and that something in your own being softens, as you come to understand the power contained within the medicine of your own anger.
I am starting to see that my anger when listened to, will always point me home to the creative, nurturing self. Why? Because my anger never lies. When I am angry, it means that somewhere in my life I have given up on watering the seeds of something that is of major importance to me. Some where I have allowed other petty little things to get in the way of what it is I love, in most cases my anger points to my inability to love myself, to care for myself, or to acknowledge that it is time to fill the well.
So without further a do….
“The Artists Way A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity” by Julia Cameron
“Week 3: Recovering a Sense of Power.
ANGER IS FUEL. We feel it and we want to do something. Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall, tell those bastards. But we are nice people, and what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it.
Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. It lets us see where we’ve been and lets us know when we haven’t liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger. In the recovery of a blocked artist, anger is a sign of health.
Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.
‘Blast him! I could make a better film than that!’ (This anger says: you want to make movies. You need to learn how.)…………..
‘That’s my strategy he’s using. This is incredible! I’ve been ripped off! I knew I should have pulled that material together and copyrighted it.’ (This anger says: it’s time to take your own ideas seriously enough to treat them well.)
When we feel anger, we are often very angry that we feel anger. ‘Damn anger!! It tells us we can’t get away with our old life any longer. It tells us that old life is dying. It tells us we are being reborn, and birthing hurts. The hurt makes us angry.
Anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into our new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full…….
Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests.
Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation.”
~L
February 2011
Picture source: unknown
The light of the world is inside of me
It radiates all around me
It permeates all that I do.
I am the light of the world!
You are the light of the world!
May we awaken to the truth, that we are the light bridges
We are the holders of the traditions of the light
We are the bringers of truth and we are destined for great things.
When we open to our greatness, when we make peace with our past,
when we let go into who we have become, we accomplish what we are destined to, and we experience freedom.
We are free anyway, it’s just sometimes we forget.
When we come together often in prayer, when we come together often in peace,
when we come together often in Love, we amplify the loving field that surrounds our planet.
That love emanates out into the galaxy, into the star nations and our prayers are heard,
guidance is received, we remember that we don’t have to do this alone.
When we trust that the higher good is happening, when we trust that we are being led by our life, we step into our power and we remember that we are all responsible for the shift that is happening.
~L
January 2011
Nature just like children
holds the sweet mystery of life in its essence.
In the early morning
the birds cry
happy to see the sun rise again.
In the early morning children yawn
absorbing the sustaining-source-of-life in their little lungs
Breath.
In the early morning
the growth of the garden may be tracked
in the movements of each shadow it creates.
Hidden in the darkness
are keys to the doors that I wish to open
I fear not the darkened path
because I have learnt that by standing fully in the darkness
the enormity of my light eventually reveals itself to me.
It is the shadows on my path that have directed me back home.
In through the wounding I must travel
to understand more about this journey.
Choices made in the early morning light
bear fruit in the eve with the fading of the sun.
~L
January 2011
Picture source: unknown
“Ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use.” - Carlos Castaneda
I look at the above quote, and internally I begin to smile. I smile because I believe that the path I have chosen has a heart, and I smile because I feel a great sense of joy and relief at understanding that this life is not about getting, but about giving forth to the world, my most authentic self, which is love. Sometimes it takes going into a heartless path, to find the path of your heart.
I seem to be endlessly inquiring into questions like “who am I” “What it is I am here to experience?”. “Is what I do, going to make a difference?” These questions play around in my mind and over the years have led me to some incredibly insightful answers. However getting to those insightful answers hasn’t always been a joyful experience, getting to those answers has taken a great deal of pealing back the many layers of my experience, my childhood, my youth, my adult years; peeling back the layers, has often felt like peeling off sun burnt skin, it has left me feeling raw and in pain.
Understanding that this is all just part of the process of becoming more conscious and aware of my path, and my choices and the impact of those choices, has been soothing. Each day that I allow myself to experience the full spectrum of emotions that live and breathe inside of me, I feel more and more connected to a deeply creative, honest and all accepting energy.
It still astounds me how easy it is to get distracted and forget, the simplicity of the hearts message, “Love and be loved”
The moment I realize that my gift in this life time is to Love and be loved, and to share this wisdom with others, my entire being relaxes, my mind ceases its talking momentarily, and I feel inspired to be more of who I really am, and less of who I think I “should” be.
I see this inner awakening happening in the lives of so many people around me, a softening into their heart space, and into what it is that brings them the deepest happiness. I also observe in myself and others a lot of struggle, anxiety and trepidation towards embracing this path fully, for to walk this path takes an -enormous- amount of courage, trust, faith and resiliency. There is nothing more challenging than consciously moving into the depths of your own inner space, and learning how to acknowledge, honor, love and nourish all parts of it.
If we begin to let go of fearing change and actually welcome it into our lives as an opportunity to refine ourselves, then we are half way there. Resistance to what is, causes more frustration than the change itself, if we could learn to see the challenges as opportunities to grow, then we would learn how to embrace them and not turn from them.
Ha! easier said than done. I can tell you right now, I am learning how to practice this more and more each day, and it takes practice, effort and a commitment to see, hear, touch and taste each experience as if it were your first. With each new day comes another opportunity to understand that we are not our story, we are not the circumstances we find ourselves in, we are not our lifestyle, or our occupations, these are all just things that we have created. Who we are is beyond all of that, who we are is much more intricate and expansive than we ever imagined possible, who we are is love manifest in the physical, we come from the energy of love, we are sustained by the energy of love, and one day we will return to the vast totality of this Great Love.
When you devote time to getting quiet on the inside, you begin to hear the voice of your heart, the voice of possibility the voice of knowing.
~L
December 2010
About me
Writing has created a space for my inner wise woman to step forward and speak her truth. She has shown me how to touch the depth of my saddness, strength and inner knowing. That is is my hearts medicine. Here are a collection of journal entries from your sister on the path.~Libby
